Tick Tock Tick Tock
Placing a temporal range on how long a slumber this has been seems futile, and, after all, over-simplified. There have been peaks where something new felt as though it were starting, and there have been tunnels that I traversed as if with no sense of time. I have no idea how long it's been, because there is no cairn on the horizon to look back upon, and I certainly don't have time to construct one that represents today, for future reflection. Do I?
Today's patience expired around 1pm. Earlier than any of the last few days. And it expired with a resonance that signified more than just the passing of today's patience, but perhaps this week's. Maybe this month's?
And it's a shame. The new job is better than my last. It demands a good balance of challenge and education. It's with three other caring but hard-working co-workers. But it has its shortfalls, as any job will. And I just don't have the patience anymore.
I thought the four days off followed by six days of driving across the country would be enough. What do I need from a vacation in order to enjoy my work again? It seems the longer my vacation, the less ready I am to return. And maybe it is only understandable, that after a heartfelt talk with a lady in Wyoming about chili, and the tearful farewell to a great-aunt I haven't seen for 23 years, and the day of pulling my limbs across sunbleached Badlands. Yes, maybe it's understandable that I have only confirmed the insignificance of my daily toil.
But I have no choice, so the refrain goes. I must have money in order to live any alternative. And I would rather work what I do, and work half the time that a deli carver needs to in order to have enough to feel safe, confident in starting over again. Of course it's a paradoxical excuse. The very solution entails escaping a sense of safety, living a mantra of abandoning safety as soon as I feel it too strongly. Frugality will set me free. Hard work combined with frugality will set me free even sooner. If I can stomach it.
The where is still open. It can remain so for now.
Today's patience expired around 1pm. Earlier than any of the last few days. And it expired with a resonance that signified more than just the passing of today's patience, but perhaps this week's. Maybe this month's?
And it's a shame. The new job is better than my last. It demands a good balance of challenge and education. It's with three other caring but hard-working co-workers. But it has its shortfalls, as any job will. And I just don't have the patience anymore.
I thought the four days off followed by six days of driving across the country would be enough. What do I need from a vacation in order to enjoy my work again? It seems the longer my vacation, the less ready I am to return. And maybe it is only understandable, that after a heartfelt talk with a lady in Wyoming about chili, and the tearful farewell to a great-aunt I haven't seen for 23 years, and the day of pulling my limbs across sunbleached Badlands. Yes, maybe it's understandable that I have only confirmed the insignificance of my daily toil.
But I have no choice, so the refrain goes. I must have money in order to live any alternative. And I would rather work what I do, and work half the time that a deli carver needs to in order to have enough to feel safe, confident in starting over again. Of course it's a paradoxical excuse. The very solution entails escaping a sense of safety, living a mantra of abandoning safety as soon as I feel it too strongly. Frugality will set me free. Hard work combined with frugality will set me free even sooner. If I can stomach it.
The where is still open. It can remain so for now.
posted by bhoundstooth | 11:06 PM
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