I'm going to wait.
One of the books has arrived, just in time for the weekend, unexpectedly free of corporate demands. I'd sit down to read, but I'm too weary for the moment. And it would behoove me to explore the cause of the weariness, this a week of heavily variable emotions.
The hours I used to take leave of mind, those in the bookstore and the Indian restaurant would also be the hours I would be asked to rue by my new employers. I am young and single, and know no one here, so I should be foremost on the chart of late hours, it was said. Their audacity brought out the tactless in me, as I haphazardly implied that I would feel better about doing so if they offered more share in the company. The fireworks that ensued were nearly enough to end my work here, more abruptly than I could have guessed even the day before.
But I have healed somewhat. Following this exchange, the next morning I was offered more incentives in the company, but it was reiterated that my hours will be long over the next month. My relations with colleagues and inspiration for work has returned to its passive and patient tenor. And as has so often proven to be the case, my passion for returning to a life of travel has flamed out before I really put in much effort to make it happen. The lacking component might be constitution, but I think it may as easily be a lack of bellicosity. One level less of restraint during that row and I may have made my course one of default. And in restraint I always seem to pull out when it's most needed. It may be the ticket to a life of success, or a life of dull stagnancy.
However this unfolds, it's likely that the safe course - diligently continuing work - will be financially very helpful. No doubt a sudden departure then would have meant thousands lost. And one thousand is about 3 months of sustenance in India.
Questions are still open though. Perhaps today was an improvement, but there is always the inkling that this worklife is a long illness that must eventually be cured. The contractions come closer and closer together, and while it might seem that I have other options, they may be equally as unlivable as this one.
For now, I can only continue to wait. And maybe read.
The hours I used to take leave of mind, those in the bookstore and the Indian restaurant would also be the hours I would be asked to rue by my new employers. I am young and single, and know no one here, so I should be foremost on the chart of late hours, it was said. Their audacity brought out the tactless in me, as I haphazardly implied that I would feel better about doing so if they offered more share in the company. The fireworks that ensued were nearly enough to end my work here, more abruptly than I could have guessed even the day before.
But I have healed somewhat. Following this exchange, the next morning I was offered more incentives in the company, but it was reiterated that my hours will be long over the next month. My relations with colleagues and inspiration for work has returned to its passive and patient tenor. And as has so often proven to be the case, my passion for returning to a life of travel has flamed out before I really put in much effort to make it happen. The lacking component might be constitution, but I think it may as easily be a lack of bellicosity. One level less of restraint during that row and I may have made my course one of default. And in restraint I always seem to pull out when it's most needed. It may be the ticket to a life of success, or a life of dull stagnancy.
However this unfolds, it's likely that the safe course - diligently continuing work - will be financially very helpful. No doubt a sudden departure then would have meant thousands lost. And one thousand is about 3 months of sustenance in India.
Questions are still open though. Perhaps today was an improvement, but there is always the inkling that this worklife is a long illness that must eventually be cured. The contractions come closer and closer together, and while it might seem that I have other options, they may be equally as unlivable as this one.
For now, I can only continue to wait. And maybe read.
posted by bhoundstooth | 7:02 PM
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