R.I.P. Wageslave Sleepmind

 Since the Great Move, I've opened a lot up to reassessment. Dramatically, the first house of cards to fall was the very impetus for my voyage to California.

A lot of simultaneous change brought this on - in driving west, I spent ten days without working, the longest in two years. I reintroduced the outlet of writing back into my life. And, least measurable but also notable was that I took time just to think about life. It all came together, and I decided that a lot of things had to change.

You've read about the bold job change - well it's official, I've left the startup and will now be a contractor for a more significant player in the computer industry. If Friday - day one - is any indication, the move is everything I've hoped it would be.

My anguish of a few weeks ago has left, and in its place is a retrospection. The anguish was deep, and had a longer tenure than I had ever clearly recognized. This doesn't go back a few weeks or a few months. It's been my lifeline since I returned from traveling and joined the working world. It started as a noble cause: I knew that I needed to travel again, I knew I could do it with enough hard work, and I would do whatever I could to make it happen. But the means to this end nearly broke me.

Coffee, cigarettes, and keyboards narrowed my focus and concentration to such powerful levels that I took on a self-imposed fog. I'd created a personal faith - that if I keep working as hard as I could, I would be noticed, have something to show, and would eventually "make it". The cigarettes especially contributed to this passion-bent-on-autism. Naturally they also degraded my general health. I felt shitty (especially in the mornings), had difficulty finding anything interesting that wasn't computer-related, and I spewed cynicism and egoism so predictably my then-girlfriend accused me of pulling a Jeckle & Hyde. Thank god I've escaped cigarettes. Health effects be damned, the worst is how they change who you are. Let me reiterate - the worst part of cigarettes is not that they'll kill you, the worst part is that they'll change you before they kill you. Damn them. Course I should disclaim that if a friend offers one at the bar, I usually accept - I figure wet smoking in moderation is well almost ok.

Back to the matter at hand, the reason all of this anguish took such a head now, I've decided, is that I was internally roiling at the fact that I was so close, perhaps even had "made it" already, and couldn't recognize it even to myself. Or at least, if the startup was the measure of success all those labors led to, then I was also roiling at the possibility that I'd swindled myself. Had I come all this length only to realize the only proof of a good employee is the count of his unpaid overtime hours?

Fortunately, with a slightly panicked sidestep to a new job, I can now bask in newfound confirmation, both internal and external, that I don't need to struggle to that extent for computers ever again. I can take a few months to exhale all these insecurities I never recognized that I had.

And now, the next chapter begins - slowing down, calming focus, improving mindfulness and anticipation. I don't think I've ever done this before. But it's important because raw focus isn't what will improve my work any further. That component is already there. But if I cannot pick up the rest of the context of what I'm working on, or what's being said to me, then I'm not living up to my potential.

New thoughts to consider then... but I welcome them. I'd never trade these dilemmas for the two years of wageslave sleepmind that brought me here.

Was it worth it? Guess I'll have to wait and see.